It shouldn't hurt, really it shouldn't. She says it shouldn't. But it does. It hurts so much, like someone twisting a knife in my heart, like someone has wrapped piano wire around my lungs and is slowly tightening its grip. It's the feeling that the bottom is falling out of my stomach and I can't keep any food down. The feeling that I'm losing her, them... all of them. Slipping through my fingers like a river on a cold spring day and even though I clench my fingers as tightly as possible... the cracks are there because I'm just not strong enough. I'm not strong enough to stay with them. I could plunge into the river and become a part of it, but I would be lost...drowning because I can't swim. I would look up from the bottom, watching as the river went on without me. So what is the difference, watching from the banks and watching from the bottom?
But right now, at this moment, I am ankle deep in mud, still trying to catch the water in imperfect hands.
It stings, her words sting. She looks at me, eyes filled with hurt and pain and anger. So much anger. And it hurts because I love her. I love -them- but they blame me. They're angry at me for ruining their life. They don't say it, well...sometimes they do. Sometimes they say things and I can feel the life in me cry out with a strange gurgle of being choked on its own blood. Worthless. It's been thrown at me so many times the last month. Worthless. You can be replaced. We don't really want you, we just didn't have a choice. Nothing good comes from you. You're always bitchy. You're worthless and you know it.
I do know it. God, I know it so well. I know I have nothing important to say. I know I'm boring. I know my conversations are lacking. I know you don't want to be around me. I know I'm insensitive and do things without thinking. I KNOW. Okay? You don't have to tell me every day. You don't have to remind me with every passing glance. You don't have to beat it over my head how you don't really need me.
I know. I know she doesn't need me. I know he'd rather I die. I know when she looks at me she's so angry and hurt that she doesn't think straight. I know I'm worthless. And I try to make it better for you, for all of you. But I'm a failure. And that's another thing you, she, doesn't mind telling me at least once a day. And it's not that you're lying. I think I'd deal with it better if you, if she was lying. But it's the truth and deep down I know it. Sometimes.... well most of the time... I wish I was a doll. That way I wouldn't feel the words she, the words you say. I would be smiling and people would like me because I'd do as they wished. It wouldn't matter that I was an empty plastic shell, because it wouldn't hurt anymore.
I wouldn't have the desire to be so selfish. The desire to fall apart and watch life slowly swirl down the drain into a pit of dark despair. Selfish. Sometimes, the selfish side wins though it hasn't happened in over a year or two. I've forgotten. I wanted, I want... an escape. To run free with no thoughts of being worthless, of being in pain, of slowly bleeding while she, they, watch in agony and madness.
To break free of the river, of failing hands and left feet. To step away from the banks, to forget the water and embrace something new. To hug the air and breathe. To fly rather than stoop over the edge watching the swirling tides. To let go of attatchments. To let go of hurt. To let go of everything. To feel the nothing surround me, envelop me and tell me that yes... this once, I was worth something. That I had meaning in flight. If just for a breif second.
1. Autumn
2. Blanke's Prize
3. Candi
4. Darkumz
5. Er - some girl from Gaia
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Of Left Feet and Swirling Waters 
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