Weellll shit. I wrote this huuuuge long entry that made a lot of sense and explained everything....I click submit and the whole damn thing erases. Yay DA.

Annnywway. The short version (still not short though)...

I have been crappy the last few weeks/months. A funk that's really taken it's toll on me and everyone I know. It was an addiction really. I forgot how easy it was, how comfortable it was. But I also forgot how horrible it was. I took a few days to decompress (more like de-depresso) but not with the intention of de-depressing myself.

I had an epiphany a few days ago when I sent a rather rough email to my cousin. I was worried about her reply and if I offended her. I actually worried myself sick (i threw up all night) and didn't sleep hardly at all. It was the next morning that I woke with the song "don't mess with my toot toot" playing in my head on repeat. The words of that song have little meaning on my part. However, the stong itself means a lot. My grandmother used to play that song to my cousins because she knew my uncle hated it when she let them listen. She found it amusing to see him irate at her.

And that got me thinking. Nanny S was a wonderful if not rough woman. She was strong. She didn't care what anyone thought about her and she said what she meant. She lived life with little regret. And I wondered what she would say to me.
I know what she would say: "Suck it up. Pull down your undies and shake your ass at the world. If it pisses them off, laugh and shake it harder." She wasn't always vulgar. She has just had that attitude. Let other people deal with their emotions, you deal with yours. Stop being a baby.

So, after thinking this yet not really doing anything about it - I sign online and get a rather nasty note in response to a rather needy one that I sent. And it was a slap in face. I don't need to get any more slaps to get the hint. Ashley, toughen up you little whiney assed baby.

So after slipping into Drama Drama Drama....it was comfortable, it was familiar....and it was exhausting. After surfacing and thinking with a clear head, I don't like the funk. It's worthless. Worry accomplishes nothing, depression accomplishes nothing. So why do something that does nothing? I can't adopt all of my grandmothers personality - I'm still deathly shy and don't like attention on me. However, I'm going to stop fretting over everything and assuming the worst and...well worrying in general. It's not healthy or productive.

So.... thanks for the tough love.

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